Katie & Albert

Like many in our class most likely, I was struck by the indifference, the passivity, the general cluelessness, etc of Monsieur Meursault. There’s a profound sense of privilege in his interactions and detached nature—something that we were able to point out very quickly in our pod groups. But I’d like to wait until we finish the book to detail any potential grievances I might have about him specifically, so I’ll direct my focus on his withdrawn interactions with this world: Every description is cold and meaningless (I know this is by design of course). I have to follow him on this monotonous journey through life where each step is possibly more drab than the last. I’ve decided to counter this by attempting to describe in snippets three very real feelings that everyone feels sometimes (unless they’re Meursault).

...

Insecurity: It’s the feeling of tapping through Snapchat stories, self-inflicted torture. In constant conflict with myself; do they hate me or …maybe I need to get more sleep.. It’s double texting and clinginess and stomachaches. Are you mad at me? Hesitating to break the silence in a breakout room and regretting it when I miss the chance. It’s a bleary 2 AM google search. ok google, am i a narcissist?? Oh gosh, my stomach is hurting again.

Relief: It's the feeling of popping the retainer out of my mouth, slimy and disgusting; a tiny act of liberation; an unparalleled experience. I am free to talk and eat and smile, and really, that’s all that’s important. It’s sending in my last college application after drawing it out for months. Closing out all my tabs. It’s sitting down in a pizza shop with friends I haven’t seen in a year. I mistakenly wonder will we be too different this time? and it’s like fresh air fills my lungs, my shoulders loosen as we fall into rapid conversation.

Joy: It’s the feeling of spinning around on a carnival ride. The ride hurtles us faster and faster until we’re all pushed up against each other. It’s gasping for breath because we’re laughing too hard. Scents of sugar and fried food waft in the atmosphere. It’s leaping into the pool with my teammates after winning the state meet. There’s a moment of pure sound, cheers bursting into your consciousness. For once, I’m only in the present, surrounded by people I love. We’re invincible and bright and full.

what else is joy? a million cats